Stink Bombs and Staples
As the school year passed slowly my ongoing battle with Mrs. J also gradually progressed. The myriad small daily attacks culminated into one major, and from my perspective, quite successful victory.
I spent months planning and preparing. After several visits to Spencer’s gift shop in Billings the details of a quite devious plan emerged. Using my small pittance of savings, I procured several key items necessary to achieve my purposes. Said items included a whoopee cushion, stink bombs and a pack of staples.
For those who are unfamiliar with the wonderfully fun tools of whoopee cushions and stink bombs, the concept is simple. A whoopee cushion is a thin rubber bladder with a fold-over flap on the opening, like a thick-skinned balloon. Inflate it then strategically place it on a seat and wait for some unsuspecting individual to sit on it. The result is an echoing, resonating imitation of the release of an abundance of bowel gas, or in my lingo at the time, a monster fart.
To enhance the monster fart, a well-timed stink bomb is essential. Imagine for a moment combining the smell of stinky tofu, fish sauce, durian and stinky feet. Concentrate this scent in a small plastic capsule which when popped emanates the most revolting, nose-melting odor imaginable. An odor so horrific no amount of ventilation or sanitization can dispel it. These were Spencer’s stink bombs.
The staples were a next-level implementation that I had spent months perfecting in multiple experiments using various teachers as test subjects. I discovered a technique wherein two staples separated from the larger stick could be twisted together. When twisted three and a half times, they become a far-superior nearly invisible version of a thumb tack. When tossed onto a seat the result is always two legs splayed to the side for stabilization and one pointing straight up to poke someone in the back side.
I carefully placed the whoopee cushion under Mrs. J’s padded seat cover, covered the surface with invisible staple-stickers and placed several stink bombs on the floor, directly behind her seat using my shoe to hold them in place. Not suspecting anything awry, she entered the bus and sat down hard on the staples and whoopee cushion. As the monster fart echoed through the bus, she sprang up from her seat with a backside full of staples, I then stomped on the stink bombs releasing the putrid scent throughout the bus.
A total success from my point of view. I was immediately kicked off the bus before we ever left the school. This was a bonus as I did not need to endure the stench of the stink bombs for the duration of the ride home. Win-win.
Bird Songs
Following this victory, I began planning the next grand attack which I hoped to execute on the final day of school. Additionally, as was common practice for me, I continued pondering skills, or talents that might be hiding latent inside my person somewhere. Occasionally magical moments would happen. One such instance happened while I was practicing backwards words and syllable swapping.
I was reading the Ender’s series by Orson Scott Card when I decided to practice some passages from the book in backward speak. I was attempting to establish the rules of the language and was pondering whether to pronounce words exactly as they were pronounced in the original forward speak, or whether I would take the liberty to pronounce them based on rules for standard reading.
Sound a little complicated? Let me share an example. In the word “Promise” there is a silent “e” following the “s”, so in backward speak “promise” would be spelled “esimorp”. Now, based on traditional rules of reading, an “e” in this position would not be silent it would have a distinct “short e” pronunciation. So, should this word in backward speak be “simorp” without pronouncing the “e” or should it be “E-simorp”. Such were the challenges I faced during my research.
While my thoughts were thus consumed, and I was diligently practicing some aspirated sound or another, I accidentally produced a high-pitched quick whistle, sharp and crisp. It came from a small gap between the end of my tongue pressing up against the back of my lower, central incisors.
I became intrigued. That short sound was pleasant, harmonious. So, I shifted focus for a moment and attempted to reproduce this chirping sound. Quite quickly I was producing a series of different pitched short, clear whistles. Like so many other things, once I got my mind set to doing something, I swiftly became obsessed. Within a few short days, I was imitating bird calls with an emphasis on mimicking meadowlarks.
On a beautiful spring morning, I was sitting in English class. The sun was shining, and the temperature was quite warm. We had a substitute teacher that day, Mr. Al Clavette. (Yes, the same Al Clavette from the driving incident which had not yet happened.) His assignment for us that day was to write an essay. During essay days, the class was silent as students wracked their brains attempting to find one idea or another to document on the blank slates of notebook paper staring up at them from desktops. For me, not only was my sheet blank, but my mind was as well. I was thinking how nice it would be to go outside in that glorious warm sunlight and find some fantastic place to explore.
Imagining the great outdoors, I started covertly chirping. Only briefly at first, catching myself awkwardly. I looked around the classroom of students and substitute teacher that seemingly did not notice what just transpired. “Perhaps”, I thought, “Everyone may think it is a real bird near the open window of the classroom.” So, I pushed it further.
Tucking my head down as if intensely focused on writing some brilliant piece of literature, I would chirp, then pause for a moment. At one point Mr. Clavette stated and asked the class. “The birds are quite loud today; do you mind if I close the window?” Oh, the music of those words to my ears. I had a distraction I could easily continue until the end of class.
I continued the shrill bird call after the window was closed. Before long the teacher assumed a bird had made its way into the classroom. He implored us to continue writing while he attempted to find the intruder.
Not a single word had been written in my notebook as I sang away as if I were flitting among the pine trees spread throughout the nearby Big Horn Mountains. Every time Mr. Clavette started to approach my seat I would stop. He was looking in every possible location growing ever more frustrated with the obnoxious trill. He was looking in the podium, in the storage cabinet, in some book bags, under the teacher’s desk even in the filing cabinet standing sentinel near the door. I loved every moment of it. At least I did, until Jody decided to act with only a few minutes left in class.
Jody raised his hand as if to ask a question of the teacher. It was not a question so much as a statement.
“Mr. Clavette, it’s not a bird. It’s Scrawny.”
“Excuse me?” the teacher asked. “What do you mean it’s Scrawny?”
“Exactly what it sounds like. Scrawny is making the bird call, he has been all class.”
Mr. Clavette, head cocked to the side, a puzzled expression on his face, looked directly at me for a moment. I didn’t know what to do and looked around the room for any other possible distraction I could focus the teacher’s attention onto and away from me. There was nothing.
Mr. Clavette approached my desk and said “Let me hear it. I want to see you make that sound.”
I glanced behind Mr. Clavette at Jody, who was sporting a triumphant grin on his face knowing full-well he got me in trouble.
Not knowing what else to do, I chimed out a loud, clear, lovely bird song for the teacher.
He was stunned for a moment, and said “Wow, that is impressive. Now please go to the principal’s office. And please note, I will be writing this up in a report for the usual teacher.” At that exact moment the bell signaling the end of class buzzed through the halls of the school.
So, I ended up back in a place quite familiar to me at this point, Mr. Opp’s office.
“Scrawny, Scrawny, Scrawny. Please take your usual seat. FYI, I’m considering putting your name on that chair. Tell me what mischief you’ve been up to today.”
Knowing that Mr. Clavette had just finished a conversation with him prior to my entrance, there was no reason to pretend I didn’t know what happened or to soften the blow. So, I recited the events that had taken place in the last hour.
By the end of the retelling and after witnessing the swan song for himself, Mr. Opp was nearly in tears. Not angry, not sad, he was freely and openly laughing about the shenanigans. As was common with these regular visits, I always felt reprimanded and a little guilty for the offenses that had gotten me in trouble. But I could also tell that Mr. Opp himself, ruler of the school, enforcer of discipline and king of the castle he might have been, on some level was entertained by many of the ridiculous situations.
I was instructed to wait ten minutes in the chair before going to my next class. I sat there in silence as Mr. Opp continued chuckling. Right before leaving I was asked to chirp one more time. I walked out of his office that day grateful for the kindness of that man and glowing a little inside because I made someone smile.
As you may know from the previous story, this was not the last of my run-ins with Mr. Clavette, the full-time Highway Patrolman and part-time substitute teacher. From this point on he referred to me as “the bird man” during interactions usually accompanied with a laugh of his own.
Sadly, I can no longer do the avian call with the grace I once did due to an unfortunate series of dental work spanning several decades. This dental work was only necessary following an incident with the local DDS (Doctor of Dental Screw-Ups) and a wisdom tooth removal.
Do not fear, the story of The Lost and Never Found Wisdom Tooth is coming soon.
臭氣彈和訂書針
隨著學年的慢慢過去，我與J太太的持續爭吵也逐漸取得進展。無數次小規模的日常攻擊最終變成了一個主要的勝利，從我的角度來看，這是相當成功的勝利。
我花了幾個月的時間來計劃和準備。我多次訪問比林斯斯賓塞禮品店后，一個相當狡猾的計劃出來了。我用我微薄的積蓄購買了幾件實現我目的所必須的關鍵物品。上述物品包括一個放屁坐墊，一包臭氣彈和一包訂書針。
對於放屁坐墊和臭氣彈這些非常有趣的工具不熟悉的人來説，概念很簡單。放屁坐墊是一個用像膠囊做的就像一個厚皮的氣球一樣，開口有一個摺疊式皮瓣。給它充氣，然後戰略性地把它放在一個座位上，等待一個毫無戒心的人坐在上面。其結果是產生模仿大量的腸氣釋放的回聲，或者用我當時的行話來説，巨大的放屁。
爲了提升這個巨大的放屁，一個適時釋放的臭氣彈是必不可少的。想象一下，混合了臭豆腐，魚露，榴蓮和臭脚的味道。將這幾種氣味濃縮在一個小的塑膠膠囊中，當彈出時，它會散發出最令人作嘔，令人心碎的氣味。如此可怕的氣味，再多的通風或消毒也無法消除它。這就是斯賓塞的臭氣彈。
訂書針是我花了好幾個月時間和使用了好多不同的老師作爲測試的下一個級別的實現的物件。我發現了一種技術，其中可以從大棍子上分離出來兩個訂書針可以擰在一起。當扭曲三次半時，它們成爲拇指大頭釘的一種遠超，幾乎看不見的版本。當扔到座位上時，總是有兩條腿張開到一邊保持穩定，一條腿簡直朝上刺到人的屁股。
我小心翼翼地將放屁坐墊放在J太太的軟坐墊下面，也把一手看不見扭好的訂書針散在上面，同時在我固定的作爲地面上也準備了幾個臭氣彈用我的脚把它們固定到位。她沒有懷疑有什麽不對勁，她上了車在訂書針和放屁坐墊艱難地坐了下來。當巨大放屁聲在公共汽車上回蕩時，她從座位上跳了起來，後背上裝滿了訂書針，然後我踩在臭氣彈上，在整個校車上釋放出腐爛的氣味。
從我的角度來看，完全成功。在我們離開學校之前，我立即被趕下了校車。這是一個額外的好事情，因爲我不需要在回家的途中忍受臭氣彈的惡臭。雙贏。
鳥叫聲
在這場勝利之後，我開始計劃下一次大規模的進攻。此外，按照我通常做法，我繼續思考可能隱藏在我個人内心某個地方的技能或才能。偶爾當我這樣做時會發生神奇的時刻。一個這樣的情況發生在我練習倒退單詞和音節交換時。
我正在閲讀奧林-斯科特-卡德 (Orson Scott Card) 的《安德》系列，當時我決定用書中的一些段落練習倒退閲讀。我試圖建立這種語言的規則，並正在考慮是否要準確地與原始正向語中的發音完全相同，或者我是否會根據標準閲讀規則來發音。
聽起來有點複雜嗎？讓我分享一個例子。在 “promise” 這個詞， “s” 後面有一個無音的 “e”. 因此，將倒退拼寫為 “esimorp.” 所以，根據傳統閲讀規則，這個位置的 “e” 不會是無聲的，它會有 “短e” 的發音。那麽，這個詞，在倒過來的時候應該是 “simorp” 而不發音 “e”， 或者應該是 “E-simorp?” 這就是我在研究過程中面臨的挑戰。
當我在思考這些，同時也在練習某種送氣音的時候，我不小心發出了尖銳高音的口哨聲。它來自我的舌頭末端壓在我下部中央門牙後部的一個縫隙。
我開始好奇。那短促的聲音好聽。所以，我轉移了一會兒焦點，試圖重複這種唧唧喳喳的聲音。很快，我就發出了一系列不同音調，短促，清晰的哨聲。像許多其他事情一樣，一旦我下定決心做某事，我很快就變得癡迷了。在短短幾天内，我就開始模仿鳥的叫聲，重點是模仿西草地鷚的叫聲。
在一個美麗的春日早晨，我坐在英語課堂上。陽光明媚，氣溫相當溫暖。那天我們有一位代課老師，阿爾-克拉維特先生。(是的，與尚未發生的駕駛事故中的同一個人。) 那天他給我們的任務是寫一篇文章。寫文章的日子時，課堂上一片寂靜，學生們絞盡腦汁，試圖找到一個或另一個想法記錄在桌面上空白的筆記笨紙上。對我來説，不僅是筆記本紙上空白，而且我頭腦也是空白的。我在想，如果能在那燦爛溫暖的陽光下走到外面，找到一些奇妙的地方探索，那該有多好。
想象戶外的壯麗景色，我不小心開始模仿鳥的叫聲。起初只是短暫的，尷尬地停了下來。我環顧了一下教室里的學生和代課老師，他們似乎沒有注意到剛剛發生的事情。我想著， “也許，每個人都認爲這是教室敞開的窗戶附近的一隻真正的鳥。” 所以我繼續了。
我低下頭，仿佛全神貫注地寫出一些精彩的文學作品，我會嘰嘰喳喳一下，然後停頓片刻。有一次，克拉維特先生説了一句話，並問全班同學， “今天鳥兒很吵，你們介意我關窗戶嗎？” 哦，我聼他說這些話我太開心了。我有了一個讓我分心的事可以持續直到我們下課。
窗戶關上后，我繼續發出尖銳的鳥叫聲。沒過多久，老師以爲有一隻鳥進了教室。他懇求我們繼續寫作，同時他試圖找到入侵者。
我筆記本上沒有一個字寫過，我繼續叫鳥聲仿佛自己是附近大角山松樹中飛翔的一隻鳥一樣。每次克拉維特先生開始接近我的位置時，我都會停下來。他四處尋找每一個可能的地方，對那令人討厭的顫音越來越感到沮喪。他在講臺上，在儲物櫃裏，在一些書包裏，在老師的桌子下面，甚至也在靠近門口的檔櫃裏，他也看了。我喜歡了每一刻, 直到喬迪決定在課堂上只剩下幾分鐘的時間侯采取行動。
橋底舉起手，仿佛在向老師提問。這與其説是一個問題，不如説是一個聲明。
“克拉維特先生，這不是一隻鳥。是骨瘦如柴-約翰尼。”
“對不起?” 老師問。“是骨瘦如柴，你這樣說是什麽意思？”
“確切地說，課堂上一直都是骨瘦如柴發出鳥叫聲。“
克拉維特先生把頭歪向一邊，臉上露出困惑的表情，直直地看著我一會兒。
我不知道該怎麽做，環顧教室尋找任何其他的東西可以讓老的注意力不集中在我身上。什麽都沒有。
克拉維特先生走進我的位子說 “讓我聽聽。我想看到你發出那個鳥叫聲。“
我瞥了一眼克拉維特先生身後的喬迪，他臉上掛著勝利的笑容，他很清楚知道有給我帶來麻煩。
不知道還能做什麽，我為老師吹出響亮，清晰，可愛的鳥兒歌。
他愣了一下說：”哇，這太令人印象深刻了。現在請到校長辦公室去。還有請注意，我將把今天發生的事寫在一份報告中，等老師回來給到他。” 就在那一刻，下課的鈴聲在學校的大廳裏嗡嗡作響。
所以，我走到了一個我非常熟悉的地方，奧普校長的辦公室。
“骨瘦如柴，骨瘦如柴，骨瘦如柴。請坐你通常的座位。僅供參考，我正在考慮把你的名字固定寫在那把椅子上。呐，現在就告訴我你今天做了什麽惡作劇。“
知道克拉維特先生在我進來之前剛剛和他談完了話，沒有理由假裝不知道發生了什麽，也沒有機會減輕打擊。所以，我背誦了過去一小時所有發生的事件。
在復述結束時，在親眼目睹了天鵝之歌之後，奧普先生幾乎流下了眼淚。不生氣，不傷心，他自由而公開地嘲笑這些惡作劇。這些定期訪問每次都一樣，我就感受到譴責，併為那些我帶給人家的麻煩的罪行感到一點内疚。但，我也能看出，奧普先生本人，學校的統治者，紀律的執行者和城堡的國王，在某種程度上感覺許多這些荒謬的情況都很有趣。
我被他指示在椅子上等十分鐘，然後再去上下一堂課。我靜靜地坐在那裏，聽著奧普先生繼續笑著。就在離開之前，他又叫我一次發出嘰嘰喳喳的鳥叫聲。那天，走出他的辦公室，對那個人的好意心心存感激，因爲我能讓別人笑了，我的心内煥發了一點光芒。
你可能從上一個故事中知道，這並不是我與全職公路交警和兼職代課老師克拉維特先生的最後一次衝突。從這個事發生後，他在互動中稱我爲，【鳥人】，通常伴隨著他自己的笑聲。
可悲的是，由於一系列不幸的牙科工作持續了十幾年，我再也無法像以前優雅地進行禽類呼叫。只有在與當地DDS （牙科搞亂醫生）發生拔除智齒事故后，才需要進行這項牙科工作。
不要擔心，《弄丟無招領的智齒》的故事即將到來。